10 Ways To Offer Support To A Depressed or Anxious Friend
(without overwhelming them or yourself)
Just recently I’ve been considering how best to support friends and loved ones suffering from depression and anxiety in the current climate, when face-to-face meetings maybe aren’t an option, and when anxiety and paranoia may have become overwhelming for them.
Here’s my list of what I’ve come up with:
1/ Rather than starting conversations with questions and concern, check-in with light day-to-day stuff.
People who are anxious and depressed are often already making themselves feel guilty with a story that they’re worrying people, so hearing that life is still happening for you can be reassuring.
2/ Don’t ask questions that require lots of internal enquiry, like ‘so how are you feeling lately?’ ‘do you know what started this?’ ‘are you worse?’
Be mindful of your need to ‘fix’ their mental state by working out what caused it. Instead, try being with them with just what is.
3/ Think of ways you can be together companionably, without a pressure to talk about their mental health.
I like conversations around a specific topic: an episode of TV, a film or a book, or syncing-up watching a movie or TV show together and then texting over WhatsApp or Skype.
4/ Make a practice of checking in regularly by text — or even better with a voice note — with no agenda, or request/need for an answer.
Notice your own need to get an answer to your message, and how you create anxiety about that. Work on that *without* involving your friend.
5/ Resist looping others in or discussing your friend as ‘a problem’, unless you can count on them to be very subtle in their response.
Suggesting a lightweight group event (see #3) might be a low pressure way to involve 1 or 2 others, but be aware of overwhelming your friend.
6/ Resist sending your friend helpful links to articles, videos or book recommendations.
Do the reading yourself, watch the videos yourself, talk to people who’ve been through something similar. Work on your own understanding of what’s going on for your friend.
And then do you best to listen to them without searching for a solution.
7/ Practice empathy, rather than sympathy:
Brene Brown: Empathy vs Sympathy: https://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw
8/ Notice your own need for your friend to ‘be better’, to go back to how they were before. Often depression has a root-story that we are unlovable or unacceptable unless we are ‘ok’ , ‘happy ‘ or ‘normal’.
Show your friend that you are fine to be with them, however they are.
9/ If their depression has become very severe in the past, suggest a very simple way of checking in with them regularly.
Decide how they acknowledge (maybe just with ‘Hi’ or an emoji). Decide together what will happen if they don’t.
If you can, agree to this before they are at immediate risk to themselves.
10/ Lastly (and very importantly): model how to take care of yourself.
Be wary of making yourself your friend’s sole support or their saviour. If you notice yourself losing sleep, distracted with stories of what might happen, find a suitable ally (see #5) and support yourself.
So that’s my thread. I hope it’s helpful, and if you have questions about anything, drop me a comment or an email. I may not reply straight away, but I will reply!
(originally posted on Twitter in June 2020)
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Law Turley is an MBACP-registered Integrative Therapist and certified Radical Honesty® Trainer living and working in the south west of the UK.
