“I’m just starting to realise that I mask all the time…”
A young person I’m currently working with wrote this beautifully eloquent description of their experience as they explore the possibility that they are neurodivergent.
I asked if I could share it here, so other people might read it and feel seen by it. If you connect with their words, please consider sharing your thoughts in a comment or them to read:
“I’ve been thinking for a while that I may have ADHD or at least be neurodivergent in some way. I struggle immensely with daily tasks, hygiene, concentration, and lack of stimulation. I also have a skin picking disorder which I’ve had for 9 years.
Does it affect my ability to function every day? Yes, I believe it does. I feel shame, I feel disgusting, I feel lazy and lacking in motivation, so it affects my mood.
“In my professional life, I put off tasks that seem overwhelming even if they could be done in 5 minutes. I zone out a lot. And if I don’t feel stimulated enough, I drive myself insane.”
In my social life, I avoid plans unless I have found the motivation to shower and/or wear clean clothes. I feel intense anxiety at the thought of responding to people remotely. I find myself bored at the thought of sober interaction, so I’m often impulsive and turn to substances that I feel will make things fun and hopefully make me less awkward. It’s during these times I sometimes find myself have small surges of motivation, that I feel like have to keep going.
Oftentimes when I’ve read into diagnosis criteria, I find it difficult to identify or relate to my everyday experiences because of my antidepressants, which alleviate my internal emotional reactions and feelings towards them. The things that I find most prevalent, however, are my difficulties with executive regulation and social interaction. These are issues I think about constantly, everyday. I feel anxiety about these struggles, but it doesn’t result in the usual depression, such as before medication.
I have long considered myself to be socially anxious, for as long as I can really remember.
“I don’t know what to do with myself when meeting new people, and I am constantly overwhelmed by worries of how I am perceived in any interaction with someone I haven’t known for a long time.”
The only way I remove these concerns from my brain is if I am drunk or otherwise intoxicated. Then I feel more at ease, have less of a sense of consequence, so I speak more freely, make more jokes, and am far more confident. I care far less how people view me. I long for that feeling constantly when I’m sober.
I have thought about the possibility of being neurodivergent a lot lately, now that the things that I thought might have levelled out with antidepressants and therapy haven’t been. I feel discomfort so much in my life, with people, with myself, and with generally having to do things. I don’t know what is typical and what is divergent anymore.
My uncle is autistic. My mum believes herself to be on the spectrum. I thought it far more likely for me to have ADHD because I don’t relate to the commonly discussed traits of ASC such as “lack of understanding of social cues and others’ emotions”.
“The thing that I find so taxing about social interaction is that I am overwhelmed by cues and emotions, and how others might feel about what I say. I can read between the lines in a lot of ways, in fact I would say I do too much.”
So I had chalked it up to social anxiety. Social anxiety which I just ‘power through’ where I have to, by pretending to be confident and saying something I can imagine someone else saying if they were a normal person in a normal conversation, whilst feeling like an actor and hoping that it sounded convincing and regular.
But then in my new job as part of my training, I had to read about autism and learning disabilities and how they should be handled in a healthcare setting. I read so many things that I related to, particularly that it is statistically typical for women to mask their autism.
I began reviewing how I feel and how I behave, and wondered if I am masking. I am highly empathetic for example; crying in movies when something awful happens to a character, because I picture if that was me. This is something that I’d thought was mutually exclusive with autism. But upon some reading several medical articles it seems that many people with autism can actually be hypersensitive and experience affective empathy.
It’s so weird. One of my best friends has just gone through something so awful and traumatic for her. I’ve sat with her and all I can think of is that I want to kill the person who made her feel this way, but I know that she needs my support, so of course I tell her I’m here for her. But I can’t actually RELATE to her emotion. That is, I know if it was me I would go crazy — but why is she reacting the way she is? I don’t feel connected. I don’t know if that’s normal?
“Everything I say I feel like it’s manufactured. I don’t know if I should look at her or not. I don’t know if I should hug her and I have a million things in my head saying not to ask.”
Anything I say or feel is disjointed. I care so much about her, but I don’t believe that I can say anything that comes to me naturally. The only reason I can say anything at all is because I’ve read about situations like this: give support, not advice. But things like this make me so uncomfortable.
Does everyone feel like this?
Every fucking time?
When someone they love is hurting?
I love my mum so much and all I want for her is to feel happy, but sometimes I’m glad I don’t live with her anymore, because when she was sad I didn’t know what to say or do and I felt like I was acting when I would respond to her in those situations. Maybe that’s part of the reason why I almost never reach out to anybody when I feel like shit.
I’m just starting to realise that I mask all the time. I pretend to be a different person any time I get uncomfortable in a social situation. The only time I don’t is if I’m under the influence. Not weed though, that makes it so much worse.
I don’t think that my life would be fixed if got a definitive answer — am I ASC? ADHD? Or am I neurotypical, and need to focus on my social anxiety and executive dysfunction? It’s so difficult not understanding. I know if I did have ADHD or was on the spectrum, that I wouldn’t be high priority. I would be on the 1st tier; requiring support. And I know I have support.
“But there is this innate desire in me to have an answer, even if it isn’t the answer I’m expecting. And I know that because I turn to substances and general neglect of my health that it is important either way. “
I understand that in most diagnostic procedures, you eliminate the possibilities before you get to the true answer.
I would like to do that, or try.”
………………
Law Turley is a BACP Registered Integrative Therapist, Supervisor and Certified Radical Honesty Trainer living and working in the south west of the UK.
